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Written Musical Musings

Every now and then we'll come across some funny stuff that people have written pertaining to the industry that is just so 'right on' that we have to share. Enjoy!
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  • Session Lingo Translations
  • Lead Singer Violations
  • Bass Player Violations

Translation Guide To A Recording Session
This comes via Alf Clausen, composer/arranger for all the music on the Simpsons TV show:

Musician to engineer: "Could we have more band in the phones?"
Translation: "The singer is too damn loud in the phones!"

Singer to engineer: "I can't hear myself."
Translation: "I don't want to hear anyone but myself."

Musician to guitarist: "Can you hear yourself okay?"
Translation : "You're too damn loud in the phones!"

Bassist to band: "Can everybody hear the drums?"
Translation: "The groove is entirely absent."

Drummer to bassist: "Can you hear the kick drum?"
Translation: "The bass player is rushing."

Bassist to producer: "Could we have more steel/fiddle/accordion in the phones?"
Translation: "I will punish the band for rushing."

Musician to producer: "Could we have more piano in the phones?"
Translation: "The singer is out of tune."

Musician to writer: "This song has nice changes."
Translation: "It's amazing what you can do with two chords."

Musician to producer or artist: "This song sounds like a hit."
Translation: "This song sounds like another song."

Producer to band: "It's a feel thing."
Translation: "I know the song sucks, but the artist wrote it."

Musician to producer: "I don't think we'll beat the magic of that first
take."
Translation: "Please don't make us play this piece of sh•t again."

Drummer to band: "Should we speed up the tempo a couple of clicks?"
Translation: "Do you all intend to keep rushing?"

Musician: "Could we listen to one in the control room?"
Translation: "I'm hungry and I need another doughnut from the booth."

Producer to band: "Let's take a break and come back and try one more."
Translation: "I need some artificial stimulants to help me get through
this session."

Musician to producer: "Were we booked for two sessions today?
Translation: "Another 3 hours of this and I may have to kill myself."

Producer to band: "We're supposed to be done at six, but we've got only
one more tune-could we skip our dinner break and work straight through?"
Translation: "You'll be done at nine, and you'll be quite hungry."

Artist to producer: "This song really sucks."
Translation: "I didn't write this song."

Producer to artist: "Trust me, it's a good song. Radio will love it."
Translation: "I own the publishing on this song. Morons will love it."

Singer to musician: "Can you play something more like (so-and-so) would
play?"
Translation: "I really wanted (so-and-so) on this record, but he wasn't available."

Singer Violations
Singer’s name _______________ Real name ______________________

Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______
Preparation/Equipment Offenses
[ ] Doesn’t know how to adjust mic stand $15
[ ] Can’t figure out how to connect cable to mic $15
[ ] Takes up over an hour getting EQ setting on monitors $50
[ ] Still gripes about EQ setting on monitors $75
[ ] Lays mic down on stage and walks off stage $15
[ ] Lays mic down facing kick drum $20
[ ] Lays mic down facing guitar amp $25
[ ] Lays mic down facing monitor $50
[ ] Points mic toward monitor-causing feedback during song $75
[ ] Straight arms mic when singing $15
[ ] Drops mic $10
[ ] Leaves lipstick all over mic $100
[ ] Doesn’t have set list $10
[ ] Doesn’t have keys on set list $15
[ ] Doesn’t have original songs charted $20

Singing offenses
[ ] Doesn’t know key to songs $10
[ ] Doesn’t know when to come in $15
[ ] Modulates without informing band $20
[ ] Continues singing in old key after song modulates $30
[ ] Forgets original singer of song $10
[ ] Dances great but sings off key and out of time $30
[ ] Gets off key singing acapella $200
[ ] Stands onstage but doesn’t sing harmonies $30
[ ] Sings bad harmonies $35
[ ] Sings harmonies already contributed by band member in song $40
[ ] Stops song halfway through and starts over $25
[ ] Forgets to sing bridge $20
[ ] Forgets words $20
[ ] Sings verses out of order in song $15
[ ] Makes up 4th verse to 3 verse song $100
[ ] Holds words to song while singing onstage $20
[ ] Looks at pager while singing song $10
[ ] Sings consistently flat $25
[ ] Sings consistently sharp $25
[ ] Sings too softly $5
[ ] Just plain ol’ CANNOT SING, buys band a round of drinks-no charge
[ ] Sings “Stand By Your Man” in the key of A $30
[ ] Wants to sing “Crazy” by Patsy Cline more than once a night $100
[ ] Thinks that “I Will Always Love You” is a new Whitney Houston
song instead of an old Dolly Parton song $100
[ ] Dolly who[ ] $50
[ ] Patsy who[ ] $10

Stage Presence Offenses
[ ] Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal $20
[ ] Holds guitar, but doesn’t play $15
[ ] Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in $25
[ ] Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in $250
[ ] Plays tambourine $10
[ ] Plays tambourine out of time $50
[ ] Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, Entertainer’s Secret on stage $25
[ ] Plays harmonica solo during song $100
[ ] Tells jokes over mic $5
[ ] Tells bad jokes over mic $50
[ ] Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic $500
[ ] Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend $35
[ ] Argues with band members onstage $150
[ ] Argues offstage with boyfriend musician $175
[ ] Argues onstage with boyfriend musician $200
[ ] Gripes at band onstage $20
[ ] Gripes at band onstage over mic $75
[ ] Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig $15
[ ] Uses cell phone on stage during gig $30
[ ] Powders nose, sprays perfume, freshensup lipstick on stage $15
[ ] Thousand dollar outfit, ten dollars worth of singing lessons $60

Other Miscellaneous Offenses
[ ] Late for gig $30
[ ] Dates a musician in the band $50
[ ] Dates the drummer $150
[ ] Sets foot on a Karaoke stage $20
[ ] Sings on a Karaoke stage $50
[ ] Uses fictitious last name $50
[ ] Falls for so-called producer she meets on gig:
“Hey baby, I’ll make you a STAR” $20
[ ] Dumps management, band, etc. after making the big time $10,000
[ ] Hates the phrase “chick singer” $500

Bass Player Violations
NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)________________
INFRACTION DATE___________________________
MUSICAL OFFENSES
 [ ] Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ] Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ] Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ] Asking for "E" tuning note $25
[ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ] Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ] Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ] Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ] Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ] Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ] Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ] Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ] Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ] Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

UPRIGHT PLAYERS
 [ ] Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ] Playing audibly $25
[ ] Faking changes $25
[ ] Slapping $150
[ ] Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ] Excessive sweating $25
[ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ] Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ] Accepting solo when offerred $50
[ ] Taking second chorus $100
[ ] Playing solo arco $400
[ ] Pretending to check tuning

ELECTRIC PLAYERS[ ] Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ] Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ] Playing with a pick $50
[ ] Tuning during ballad $30
[ ] Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ] Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ] Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ] Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ] Long gliss down to final note $200

 EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
 [ ] Forgetting strap $10
[ ] Changing strings after every set $15
[ ] Using electric tuner $15
[ ] Setting up mic "just in case" $75
[ ] Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ] Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ] Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ] Skull decals on bass $150
[ ] Bringing fretless bass $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
 [ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ] Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ] Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ] Quoting "Birdland" $25
[ ] Practicing scales during break $25
[ ] Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ] Practicing $150
[ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap
theater that you are "into sequencing" $100

BASIC STUPIDITY
[ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ] Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ] Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ] Continually asking "where are we?" $25
[ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
[ ] Asking bone player where "1" is $50
[ ] Taking cell phone call during 4's $100